i try too hard to write the words that only my soul can say,
seeking inspiration from sweat instead of tears,
and reaching for a pen that bleeds instead of a hand that heals.

my body says, "tomorrow." my mind too easily echoes,
but with patient sighs i wait,
with folded hands i listen,
and with all the gratitude i can muster, you mute my screaming insides.

speak, lord, for your servant is listening.

my song-writing self-discipline starts today. Lord, help me (seriously).

i don't have a foot fetish. (you're already thinking, "ewww, roboto has a foot fetish!"). but i don't.
i just think you can tell alot about a person (mainly girls) by their feet. you can tell how clean/hygenic they are... how high- (or low-) maintenance they are... how hairy they are (just kidding... sort of). most of the new york feet i've seen have been on the dry side... it's nothing a little pumice-work and lotion can't fix. am i being shallow? girls have similar litmus tests for guys. i've heard that the best way for a girl to see what a guy's really like is to see him play a competetive sport. it's not really about the skills... you just pay attention to how he handles himself, what kind of temper he has, how he interacts with teammates... with opposing players.

i always told myself i want someone low-maintenance, but maybe i need someone "medium-maintenance"... someone who takes care of herself, but doesn't overdo it:

callouses, bunyons & toe jam = low maintenance

clipped nails & soft heel = medium maintenance

french pedicure, toe ring, anklet & tatoo = too much

i think i need to leave new york. i'm aging too fast, complaining too much, loving too little. i don't blame the city. "it's not you, it's me..." it just doesn't feel right, for some reason.

moving will be tough though. besides physically transporting my possesions, i'll have to readjust to west-coast life. i'll probably have to change vocations, buy a car, find a church... get used to saying "hi... justin... nice to meet you... yeah, i just moved from new york... blah blah blah".

to be honest, i like being the outsider. the semi-mysterious new guy. maybe it's because i moved around alot when i was young... i guess i'm just used to it. i'm not an adventurer... just easily bored... comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.

my parents flew in yesterday. unfortunately the weather was frigid, wet and windy. but guess who still went walking all over this big city of ours...

for some reason, i was utterly exhausted all day today. i must've yawned at least 30 times today. my parents want to watch tv and sleep in the living room today, so i get my bed back for a night. i hope to get some quality sleep tonight.

it's good to see and hang out with my parents. they're still really good at annoying me, but i've been doing a pretty good job of not letting it get to me. they're making me a really good offer: if i go to law school, they'll support any travel and fun i have until i matriculate. it's tempting... i mean, i can hang out in l.a. for a bit... go to korea... maybe stop by japan and hong kong... back-pack through europe... all i have to do is take a test, write an essay and give up any hopes of following my dreams... haha. i actually don't think being a lawyer will be that bad... but i still have alot of praying to do.

i have a lot of junk. most of my friends know i have alot of clothes. yesterday one of my co-workers asked me how many pairs of shoes i had. i just counted: 25 (including slippers, shoes i haven't worn in years, etc). i admit that i buy alot of stuff, but it really doesn't help that i never get rid of the stuff i don't use.

it takes me forever to clean my one-bedroom apartment. i don't think it's even considered cleaning when all i'm doing is sorting all the junk that piles up on my desk/bed/floor... into it's assigned section of the corner/closet/drawer.

anyways. while walking home last night, guess what i found on the sidewalk (where new yorkers dump their garbage). a spiffy little bowling bag... and inside?... a thousand dollars! just kidding. a bowling ball. it fits my fingers perfectly and aside from being a bit heavier than what i'm used to-- and the fact that "Serge" is engraved on the ball-- it's my new 12- (or 14-) pound baby!

i don't know if serge and i will go out and play anytime soon. he's a little too heavy to carry around, but we'll see. in the meantime, i have to find a cozy, vacant corner in which to store him.

how many people out there are really happy?
it seems like everyone i talk to is going through some quarter-life crisis or something.

it's starting to warm up here in the city. spring is almost here. i'm not looking forward to losing an hour of sleep on sunday, but i can't wait til i can go out in just a t-shirt (and pants of course).

i wish i had a car, so i can go cruisin' with the windows rolled down and the stereo drowning out all that responsible-talk that goes on in my head.

yeah, i'm freeeeeeee, free faaaalling....

so i'm seriously considering law school again.
i realize that i need to live a more comfortable life... i honestly need to make more money than i do. and right now in my life, i just don't feel like working. i hope 3 more years of school will be enough time for me to grow up and admit my responsibility. we'll see.

i'm in the process of trying to reduce my extra-curricular activities. my guitar lessons will end soon, so i'll have one more free night a week. i borrowed an RPG (role-playing game) from a brother a church. it's a good way for me to relax, but it sure makes me stay up later than i want. i'm too nocturnal for regular society.

my parents are visiting me next week. i need to figure out how to entertain them... i'm such a bad host. what are some good non-touristy things we can do?

i wanna go home and play my video game.

i don't wanna grow up, i'm a toys r us kid...