i'm pushing it... pushing my consciousness to its limit. holding out 'til only the pulp remains. keeping my eyes open hurts, but closing them hurts too.

i will wait. i try hard to wait patiently. i try...

maybe the morning's dew will quench my hardened eyes and straighten my staggered steps.

eating breakfast makes my stomach hurt, makes me wanna poo poo, but it's supposed to be healthier, right? give me more energy in the morning? i definitely need to start shaping up and d-d-definitely need more energy in the morning. it's always a struggle to wake up these days.

i need energy during the evenings too. i'm too tired to do anything but watch tv and eat.

it's only thursday.
sweet sweet saturday, i miss you. please come home soon. please come and never leave. that i would rest my heavy head on your lap. and know that you'd stay with me forever...

ain't no sunshine when she's gone
it ain't warm when she's away
ain't no sunshine when she's gone
and she's always gone too long
anytime she goes away...

We were chillin at the park
Just waiting for the sun to go down
It was me Shylo and the homies
A Lighter Shade of Brown... on a Sunday afternoon

i wish...
i came into work today. there isn't much for me to do... just to make sure the sewers ("people who sew" not "where you poo poo goes") have everything they need.

this is the longest i've been on the internet while i've been working here. i've seriously had very little "down-time" at this job. hopefully, things'll slow down once the spring/summer clothes are in the stores and before the fall/winter line consumes my (work) life.

i spent friday night and all day saturday with some tacoma friends. we caught a broadway show (the producers) walked around alot and stuffed our faces with new york's finest sullungtang (from gam mee oak), soup dumplings (joe's shanghai), bubble tea (ten ren), pasta (patsy's-- maybe not the "best", but still good) and sundaes (serendipity 3). i've officially started my diet. i haven't yet set the parameters of this "diet", but i def. need to lose some poundage. i'm all handles and no love.

i'm sitting back in my chair and getting that deep-breathing (sighing) / tingling-in-my-nose-when-i-inhale sensation... when i exhale my eyes get watery. it's like i'm hyper-sensitive... on the verge of breaking down and bawling... about what? i have no idea. there's nothing in my mind or heart to push the tears over my lower lids.

i kinda want to just bust out... get all weepy and have to rub my nose across my forearm, smearing the salty snot on my bare skin. i want to interrupt these deep sighs with that spastic jerk-breathing i used to get in elementary school. i want to emit a faint falsetto wimper and slowly crank the volume until i'm wailing from my gut.

there is nothing though... just the whirring of my g3 processor and the consistent sound of air quickly passing through my nostrils. maybe tomorrow.

jeremiah tomorrow.
roboto today.

for a guy that's lactose intolerant, i sure do eat/drink alot of dairy products. tonight's dinner consisted of two bowls of cereal and one of ice cream. i'm about to sleep soon, so i won't be conscious for the side effects. i'm sure my roommate will let me know if he's up all night because of the fumes.

clone high usa just premiered on mtv. i've been anticipating the show since my old animation professor wrote about it in his periodic newsletter. about six months ago, he just started sending out mass-mailings to all of his old students, updating us all on what we've been up to since we graduated. a handful of his more passionate animators have continued to produce work-- as evidenced by clone high, conceived and directed by two '97 alums. others are doing other "creative" things, while a huge chunk of students seem to have gone to law school. will i join that group? we'll see in a few months.

anyways, clone high was good... i'm not a huge fan of that thick-outlined style of animation (think powerpuff girls, dexter's lab., and samurai jack), but the dialogue is smart and funny. i really like the premise: a secret government agency clones a bunch of historic figures (abe lincoln, joan of arc, gandhi, genghis khan, etc.) and they're all the same age and attending high school together.

anyways, catch it if you can. mtv. mondays at 10:30pm. check tvguide.com for all the reruns.

it's soo soo cold outside. so painfully cold. only one part of my body was sufficiently shielded from the pangs of the angry wind: my sternum-- only because it was protected by my t-shirt, button-down, sweater, coat and scarf. i need to find 5 layers for every part of my body... even my eyeballs.

i need to do laundry. i've been wearing dress socks every day this week. i hate it when, at the end of the day, i have ridges sculpted into my lower-calf. i can't wait to have clean, below-the-ankle athletic socks. maybe monday night i'll have some time to do a couple loads.

there's been alot of award shows on tv these days and a bunch more airing these next couple weeks... i guess it's the season... the AMA's, grammy's, the golden globes, the people's choice awards, blah blah blah. i used to enjoy sitting through the shows, rooting for my favorite movies/musicians/shows/videos/celebs and looking at the cool-- and not so cool-- clothes everyone comes decked out in. but now...i can't sit through the boring performances and even boring-er speeches. and most of the time, i don't agree with the winners. so i'm gonna make my own awards....

no commercials, no long speeches, no gaudy stages with gaudy people in gaudy gowns... just pure roboto opinion.

i'll announce the categories first and then think about nominations (feel free to throw in your 2 cents, but the final decision will be all mine!) and maybe sometime next week, i'll be handing out some (imaginary) paper-clip statuettes.

here're the categories:

- most thought-provoking, life-changing film of the year
- i-wish-i-woulda-wrote-that song of the year
- if only i had tivo award
- proud to call myself a geek award

i'm too tired to think of more categories... i'll just skip to the winners next week.
haha... (like you guys care). i'm glad it's almost friday. i just need to close my eyes and i'll be there.

i don't have a headache... i don't have a fever... i don't feel abnormally weak or tired... so i'm not sick, right?

then why the heck do i wake up with such a dry, phlegmy throat? and why do i sound so nasally when i sing? and i can't seem to hit the notes i used to be able to belt out just a couple weeks ago. am i going through puberty again?

i think i need to cancel my cable service. now that i'm working again, i'm too easily acquiescing to its hypnosis and seductions. "unwinding" is slipping into the realm of "zombie-ing". i must stop before my flabby ass starts getting lost in the seat cushions.

i've been neglecting my blog a little bit...
i need some time to readjust to a working man's schedule.

anyways... star trek.

[personal log, stardate 11403]
when i was home in tacoma for the holidays, i went on a church retreat with the college/young-adult group. the guest speaker was pastor seung-chan rah from boston. he spoke about community. specifically: building a community in our post-modern era and in the context of asian american churches. he gave a great analogy of post-modernism as represented in star trek. here's the part that i can relate to the best:

the original star trek (the one with captain kirk and "beam me up, scotty") manifests alot of the ideals of modernism, where TNG (the next generation, with the bald picard and an on-board psychiatrist, dianna troy) displays post-modern themes. let's focus on just one character from each series. from the original, the most intriguing character is Mr. Spock (an inter-species half-vulcan/half-human). throughout the span of his character development, spock's vulcan half is constantly trying to supress his "emotional" and "illogical" human side. to him-- as well as my parents and alot of their generation-- things are black and white... issues can be reasoned out... logic rules and emotions just get in the way. (on a personal note, i grew up and today still conform to that kind of attitude in many aspects of my thought-process. i'm good at detaching my reason with my feelings and i'm a pro at being narrow in my opinions because i believe i've come to them in the most rational--and therefore, flawless-- way. i come off as arrogant to alot of people because this. i'm working on it. be patient with me.)

mr. spock is contrasted on TNG by Lieutenant Commander Data (day-duh, not dah-duh). Data-- if you don't know-- is an android, a walking computer, completely devoid of emotion. yet his personal mission is to experience that which his nanochips and circuits can't process: humor, sadness, goosebumps, fear... love. in response to the older generation (the baby-boomers and grayer), we gen-x-y-and-z-ers choose put more of an emphasis on passion and intuition than on our ability to rationally analyze our circumstances.

data is my long-lost cousin.

[end log]

blog blog blog.
tomorrow i'm gonna blog about star trek. i'm for real. i have alot of deep, personal, profound things to say about star trek.

tonight though... i'm just gonna veg out, watch tv, eat junk food and try to dream the night away. i've already taken care of the first three (thanks to scrubs and giant size kit kat bars). three down, one to go.

i was officially hired today. i just might be the only straight man working in the fashion industry. well, my boss is straight too. and i'm not sure about one of the interns... okay, so maybe i'm not as unique as i thought.

i'm not happy about the pay. it's the least i've ever made in my entire 2.5 years as a working hombre. i seriously believe i'd make more money jabbing weiners at gray's papaya. but, in the words of my friend i had lunch with, i'm the "only person we know that's doing what you're passionate about"... am i passionate about it? i don't think so. but i'd learn alot and gain some skills i may be able to apply to my future passion.

how can i make some money on the side? my parents have a professional silk screening machine back in washington... my dad likes to buy random, cheap stuff he finds... i was gonna try to bring some basic parts, so i can start making some t-shirts here in my apt... but i forgot. plan B? wait for money to fall on my lap.

money, work, responsibility...
enough about that stuff.

i think i'm a reality show addict. it's just too easy to live vicariously through these bold, semi-good-looking people. and it's just too fun to think how dumb these people are. at least, they're bold and (semi) good looking.

okay. that's it. i gotta sleep because...
you know...
the W-word.

i'm back.
back to new york. back to having to plan more than one day in advance. back to checking my bank account online to make sure the cable bill won't bounce. okay, i'm depressing you. and i'm depressing myself.

i need to pray more.

seriously, what's wrong with me? why-- when i know that God hears my prayers; when i believe He answers them-- am i not constantly on my knees, pounding my chest and crying out to the heavens? there's something wrong with me.

this sucks.

i typed out this really long and (in my opinion) heartbreakingly deep post. but i lost my freaking dial-up connection and it got lost.
*deep sigh*

i'm too tired and busy to retype it all out. you'll just have to take my word for it... or just ask me in person what it was about.

it's a new year... have a good one.