one of my good friends brought be back a toy from asia.
Hidamari No Tami (meaning "sunny people") is a solar-powered "desk accessory" that adorns my workspace here.

(mine's a different model and green)
the flourescent lighting in my office is not strong enough to keep it's head perpetually rocking side to side, so i have to watch this little guy struggle and randomly "twitch" it's neck. when i stare at it long enough, i could swear its smile is straightening out.

To be, or not to be... that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take up arms against a sea of troubles - and by opposing them end them?
To die... To sleep... no more...
And by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to...
Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished!  

To die...   To sleep...
To sleep?  Perchance to dream!
Ay there's the rub!  For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause...

There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressors wrong, the proud man's contumely?
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay?
The insolence of office,
And the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make - with a bare bodkin?

Who would fardels bear, to grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns,
Puzzles the will, and makes us bear those ills we have,
Than fly to others we known not of?

Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought;
And enterprises of great pith and moment,
With this regard, their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.

- Hamlet

someone recently asked me if i was a sad person-- to which i replied, "i don't believe i'm unusually sad these days."
she asked, "what makes you sad?"
i responded, "i become sad when i acknowledge the absence of joy* in my life."
if i think about it, i suppose that does make me a sad* person.

*by "joy" i mean lowercase-j-o-y, not J-o-y. i lack joy on a surface level, therefore i'm only superficially sad. am i making sense?

my weekend in a nutshell...
sleeping in + spanish food (delivery) + food coma + FLCL (entire series) = valentine's day


sleeping in + church + dinner w/ long-time-no-see friend + sean lennon sighting + brisk, post-dinner walk + the practice = sunday


sleeping in + mall food court lunch + my tutor friend (korean movie) + meeting up with tacomans in new york + cafe lalo + lounging in the upper west side + ice cream = president's day

when i was in high school, my church put on a musical... i hardly remember what it was about... it involved riding on a bus... playing on the beach... a girl that felt left out... stereotypical coming-of-age stuff... though i hardly remember the plot, i have a hard time forgetting some of the songs...

what is it about me that's different from the rest? what is it about me? i've tried and tried my best... to figure out what's really wrong... why it is i don't belong... why they are the way they are to me... if only for a moment, i could be one of them...

really cheezy stuff, i know. why is it that i'm up at 2am and recalling these lyrics?

it's not that i feel lonely... or that i don't have friends (i have friends! hahah)... i just feel awkward here (geographically, temporally, philosophically). the people i talk to seem to want different things from life... from love... they look at a picture and see one thing; i look at it and hear a sappy, church-musical song. i realize that i'm the minority...i'm the solitary one in the bottom-right corner dancing to a different beat (one of these things is not like the others...). the funny thing is, it's so easy to jump into the neighboring box. i can fake my way through this song. it's easier to mouth their lyrics than to write my own.

how long to sing this song?
how long to sing this song?
how long?
how long?
how long?
how long to sing this song?

i need a snowboarding partner.
i don't ask for much... just a little enthusiasm for the sport... a little conversation on the lift... that's it.

i need to spend some time out in nature. i need to breath some crisp, fresh air. i need to get away...

maybe i'll just go by myself. i'll make it a personal retreat.

Your fullness is mine, Revelation divine
But oh to taste, To know much more than a page
To feel Your embrace...

For dark is light to You
The Depths are height to You
Far is near, But Lord I need to hear from You

Be near, O God
Be near, O God of us
Your nearness is to us our good...
... my good.

("be near" by shane barnard)

i'm seriously tempted to get that hat...
in fact, temptation surrounds me... i received a postcard the other day informing me that the barney's warehouse sale starts soon... what kind of timing is that?

i'm also resolving to clean my room... it's a monumental task... trust me on that. i think i'll start selling off some books and cds on ebay too.... i need the space.

resolved: i will not make any personal purchases until march 22, 2004. that means no sneakers, no dvds, no clothes, no books. nothing. i reserve the right to buy one (1) pair of swimming trunks, however, for my trip to the bahamas... but other than that... i'm withdrawing myself from modern american consumerism for a while... and i still have to buy my brother's birthday present-- but that's not a "personal" purchase, so it's exempt from my rule.

why? in a little over a month (since the new year) i've bought 2 jackets, 3 pairs of sneakers (exchanged one), 5 dvds (two were with a gift certificate), 2 books, a bag, a pair of gloves...

oh shoot. i just remembered that i wanted to get an electronic bible for my "pocketmac"... and a pickup system for my guitar... and this cool hat:


GAHHHH, what have i done?!?

does anybody else remember the movie time bandits from when we were kids? it's about some kid that joins a band of time-traveling little people. i'm debating whether or not to buy the dvd... for nostalgia's sake. [although, i did this a couple years ago with the neverending story dvd-- which turned out to be so horribly cheezy.] they made a criterion collection version of time bandits though-- which means it can't be too bad. other films that received this treatment include some of my favorites: in the mood for love, rushmore, royal tenenbaums...

i've also been itching to buy leon: the professional (which i've never seen).

it's february already.
another year without a valentine... *sniff* *sniff*
hahah...

i should organize an anti-valentine party... round up all the single people and watch some non-romantic movie and eat bitter/sour foods. it's hard to think of a movie without any kind of love in it though...

anyone want to come to my kill bill and grapefruit party?