it's funny the way that God works. actually, i don't mean "funny", i mean "excrutiatingly painful".

i've always thought my fatal flaw was my pride. not the hey-look-at-how-smart- cool-and-good-looking-i-am kind of arrogance that makes for bad teeny-bopper antagonists. but one layered with subtlety, undergirded with a laid-back attitude and saturated with false-humility. as i tried to grow as a christian, though, i realized i had to deal with this garbage: either take it out or let it infest the apartment with its horrendous stench. i pleaded God for a serving of humility.

i asked for a slice, but it feels like i got a pie in the face. now i feel so ridiculously insecure, i can't stand it. i walked home from the train station with my chin glued to my chest. (i do my best thinking when i'm walking, i keep my eyes on the ground to avoid distractions and dog poop.) as i was thinking about my job situation, my music, my interests, my role at remnant, i couldn't help but feel so inadequate--in some cases, even paranoid. don't comment to try to encourage me by saying "don't feel insecure, you're good at blah blah blah". i think this is just God's way of pulling down from my home-made pedestal and letting me see what it's like in the mud. i'm sure i'll be on my feet on solid ground in no time.

the problem is: right now, the mud feels alot like quicksand.