i'm realizing more and more how difficult it is to be a "leader".
in high school, i held various positions in different clubs... president of the future business leaders of america, associated student body secretary, "captain" of the knowledge bowl team. (i was/am a geek. fine!). i'm reluctant to call them positions of "leadership", though. it wasn't leading them... i was organizing them.

i'm not a gifted leader... i don't possess the necessary traits to do it well. i'm not encouraging and supportive in an outward, natural fashion. i'm not influential. i'm not charismatic or charming. i'm not humble. i don't have a clear vision and the drive to implement it. all i have is this desire to serve and this crippling inability to say, "no." that makes me a good follower-- not a leader.

why the heck am i doing it then? why do i endure the stress of trying to please everybody? why do i take the role so seriously... so personally?

all i want to do is worship. why does it have to be so complicated?