what's thanksgiving without some good ole football.

i trekked out to strong island to toss the pigskin with some of dani's church friends. 4 hours of running around, getting kicked in the shin and getting my feet stomped on with heavy guys in cleats wore me out. it's 8:30 and i'm exhausted. i seriously think my foot is broken.

it definitely beats watching tv all day, but tomorrow morning i may have to reconsider.

in other news... well... i guess there is no other news. i'm so boring.

happy thanksgiving!

i hope you're reading this sometime after you've stuffed yourself with turkey and pecan pie and had your fill of family and friends this holiday. me? i'll be spending this day with a bunch of misplaced californians and a few other non-native new yorkers. pete and i are up making yams and cookies for the pot-luck feast that will take place later this afternoon. pete decided to use korean sweet potatoes (the off-white kind, not the orange ones). after adding some brown sugar, the dish looks more like refried beans than candied yams. because of my non-precise measuring, my cookies came out too bready and seem like thick, sweet crackers.

we'll be the laughing stock of the dinner. i'm thankful for spontaneous abdominal work-outs like the ones pete and i had preparing our ghetto food.

it's almost 4am. i should get some rest before our face-stuffing extravaganza.

i'm back, did you miss me?

i realize more and more how much i enjoy not working. at the same time, i realize how much i need to work to support myself financially. i've been thinking alot about potential lately... how i'm convinced that i have alot of it, but not sure where i'm supposed to apply it. like i'm a big fat boulder sitting on top of a hill and not sure which direction to start rolling. i'm just sitting there, gathering moss and letting ugly pigeons stomp all over me and spray me with poop.

i'm not just talking about career. i think i have all kinds of potential-- creative, spiritual... heck... even with the ladies.

well, not too sure about the last one. i guess 3 out of 4 is not bad. it's a "C". it's passing.

i'm so efficient in the middle of the night. all the names on my instant messenger buddy list are faded out, there's no sun and warm weather to temp me outside and the only sounds i hear come from my computer speakers. if only my eyes weren't burning... i could continue to toil the night away.

i'm in the process of designing an annual newsletter for an international performance arts organization. it's run by the parents of one my college friends who's in japan right now (what a lucky girl, i know!). i've had most of the photos for a couple months now. i should've started playing around with a few layout ideas weeks ago, but one of roboto's many flaws is a tendancy to procrastinate. why put off 'til tomorrow, what you can put off 'til the night before it's due?. well, i have gotten a little better... they don't need a sketch until tuesday morning.

i should get some sleep, though. i don't wanna be cranky all day tomorrow. and i need energy to mail all these boxes. arg!

am i a push-over? my roommate managed to catch his flight without having packed and shipped any of his junk. guess who has to do it for him. poor little roboto.

i've pretty much thrown all of his stuff into the 4 large boxes he left me. i'm not quite sure what i should do with all the residual things that didn't make the cut. i suppose i can go buy another box, but where's the challenge in that? haha.

my old college roommate arrives in a couple hours. i hope i can come up with enough things to do to keep him entertained. the only two things that come to mind are shopping and eating. is there anything else to new york?

i think i'll continue cleaning, reorganizing the apartment until he gets here. i've already combined my 2 desks to form one monster desk and moved my computer to the living room. i probably shouldn't vacuum at 6am. so i'll do the dishes and clean the bedroom. shoot, i gotta scrub the stove too. arrrgh.

it's my roommate's last day here in the big city. tomorrow he flies out to southern california to live with his bro. his friend from baltimore came up to visit. he brought his gf and their dogs-- a maltese and its two pups. we went out for jja-jjang-myun and we returned to find the apartment trashed by the dogs. they decided to dig into our trash, eat last night's leftover chinese food and proceeded to regurgitate and excrete it all over my place. cleaning up dog urine, feces and vomit is no fun.

who let the dogs out?

my friend and i have changed-- in very different ways-- since high school. i feel like we were just starting to re-acquaint ourselves to each other... acknowledging our respective mutations and accepting them as products of our years apart. i wish i could've been a better friend to him these last few months. i could've dug deeper... given him some profound, life-changing advice... challenged him... encouraged him... i could've been "saltier". instead, we shake hands and walk down our respective roads... occasionally looking back to see how our ole friend is doing... until we're too far to distinguish each other's form from the horizon. i have a feeling i won't see him until my wedding (he says he can't see himself settling down for a long while... i agree). but we'll see what God has planned for us.

peace, HJ. peace.

these days, i'm constantly hungry. from the moment i wake up and until i hit the sack, my stomach urges me to fill it. the low, mild grumbling of my tummy is just white noise to me now. no amount of pork buns and bubble tea is able to satiate it. caramel sundaes, twix bars and bavarian creme doughnuts don't do the trick. mushu beef, blue 9 burgers, kalbi, burritos, neoguri udon ramen... they all fall short of satisfying the groanings of my belly. my stomach has a God-shaped hole.

oh wait. is it my stomach or my heart? i can't even tell anymore.

i've been trying to find some good, fast, non-cheezy praise songs... but it's so hard. i think the difficult part is the "non-cheezy" qualifier. i'm starting to realize that i'm not as comfortable singing songs of joy and triumph and jubilee. i mean, in secular music, people croon about pain, suffering, loss and depression... OR they put their love, intimacy and warm-and-fuzziness to music. there aren't any hand-clapping songs and there aren't any songs with hand-motions (YMCA doesn't count). am i the only one that feels awkward singing those kinds of songs? i want people to sing with all their hearts. i want the worship to seep from every crevice of their souls. giddy songs don't seem natural to me... but maybe that's something that God's working on in me.

i haven't been working this week, but it seems like i'm so much busier. my room is strewn with clothes, the sink is full of rice-crusted plates, i can't move my mouse without pushing over a stack of unopened mail. time to sleep. some people will be waking up soon, i'll be in the middle of a happy dream. i have a feeling i'll remember tonight's episode. we'll see soon enough. peace.

am i a shop-o-holic? unemployment checks weren't enough to fuel my shopping habits, but now that i'm working (temping) again, i can return to my consumerism ways. within the last couple weeks, i've done some spending: i finally renewed my subscription to Giant Robot, went to a sample sale (where i bought 4 shirts), bought a shirt from urban outfitters, bought a pair of jeans from a thrift store, bought some cd-rs for the cd burner my roommate gave me (he upgraded, so i get the slow one, but it's better than nothing), i've also been eating out alot lately.

i think i'm gonna start a "wish list" on my blog. i'll make a list of the things i discover in magazines, websites and whatnot and compile a list, so i don't forget. i have multiple paper lists scattered over my desk with names of bands, dvds, sneakers and clothes i wanna check out. i might as well collect them and post them.

i don't know why i like owning things so much. because i grew up never getting the toys everyone else had? because i'm materialistic? because i'm brainwashed by the media? who knows...?

sundays are exhausting for me now. i think alot of it has to do with the fact that i'm not naturally an extrovert (yes, some people may find it hard to believe)... i'm actually very introverted. i'm very protective of myself.

anyways, having to go to the morning service and then leading praise at the evening service and then emceeing the open mic and just hanging out with people in between all of those things... it wore me out. God needs to hook me up with s'more energy if He wants me to keep this up.

i wonder if i have to work today (or this week). i definitely have lots of errands to run and there's some freelance stuff i should be working on... ugh... i have no motivation... i just wanna crawl back into bed and sleep my week away.

ah, ah, test, test, 1, 2, alright check it:
i'm takin the microphone and spittin 'til i wreck it.
for the women? for the cars? for the green and bling bling?
for my 5 minutes in the light, like karaoke at sing sing?
please! can you see me with 5 karat studs?
in my gucci, L.V. and burbury duds?
shoot, i'd trade ALL this *stuff* any day.
for a heart and a soul and a way to say what i gotta say.
don't get me wrong, i don't wanna sound completely ungrateful.
it's just-- i wanna be passionate: to feel loved and joyful.... shoot... even angry or hateful.
anything but this stale, mundane, robotic state
with no job, no direction, no answers, and no date.
what's LIFE without the low lows and high highs?
i'll tell you: frustration, apathy and a whole lotta sighs.
(sigh) okay, i'm out of energy, i'm out of juice.
time to sleep and let all my dreams run loose
maybe there, at least, i can *imagine* some sort of sanity.
a life of peace and hope, not jumping between insecurity and vanity.
bed, come to me. my body and eyelids are too weak.
blanket, embrace me and, pillow, kiss my cheek.
and though i wanna laugh, scream, lift my hands or weep,
tonight-- like every other night-- i settle for sleep....

i "won" tickets to see a free screening of a movie. "won" is in quotations because here's how i obtained the passes:

i'm on a few list-serves, so my inbox is occasionally splattered with announcements of events. one of the emails read, "Win FREE tickets to the Paramount Classics premiere." i was interested in the film (i'll get to that later), so i replied to the email asking, "how do i win these tickets?" the following day, i received an email saying, "congratulations, you've won."

i thought that was funny. maybe you had to be there. or maybe you have to hear me tell the story because my friend laughed when i told her. anyways, the movie was a sneak preview of a korean film that opens tomorrow (11/15). it's the second highest grossing film in korea and it's very critically acclaimed. it's called the way home (jeeb-eu-roh).



my opinion of the film? it's good. not a cinematic masterpiece. there's nothing "exquisite" about the film. the acting from the boy could've used improvement and the presentation could've been a little less manipulative. HOWEVER, it's a deeply heart-felt and warm & tingly movie. if you cry at movies, bring a box of tissues-- the kind with lotion so your nose doesn't hurt. the halmuhni (granny) character will turn even the hardest soul into sweet, banana pudding.

if you want a "pure" experience of the film, do NOT watch the trailer. i think it gives you too much.

i'm tired already. Captain Caffiene is no match for the 24-inch pythons of Dr. Drowsy.

i think i'm regaining all my weight. i was doing well this year: eating better... being athletic. actually, more than the former, i've been really just excercising and staying active. i think that's key for me. i think my diet has been pretty much the same for the last couple years... the only difference was that i was playing tennis and volleyball.

anyways, now that the weather is turning frigid and as i'm becoming more and more lazy/busy, my gut is coming back.

the sit-ups will have to wait til tomorrow. i'm dead tired. i hung out with some other robots today. pat tagged along, he's an honorary robot. although he says he'll check out the lounge (message board) now.

my stomach is full of a blue 9 burger, fries, a strawberry milkshake, a pear tart with hazelnut ice cream, haagen daz pistacchio ice cream and a whole lotta tap water. time to sleep.

last week, i discovered that my instant messenger buddy list was incomplete. i noticed that some of the newer names were missing. needless to say, i was confused. thinking i was all smart and whatnot, i tried to restore my list (by searching through my cache, checking my preferences, etc); in the process, i managed to delete my buddy list completely.

so if you think i'm ignoring you, i probably am. BUT it could also be because i accidentally erased you from my buddy list. so you can take the initiative and IM me:

iLikeYuhJahs

if you understand korean you'll know that yuhjahs means "girls". people have already mentioned that my screen name makes me seem sketchy. i'm completely fine with people thinking me strange or immature. what's in a name? that which we call a fart by any other name would smell so sweet.

Need-love says of a woman "I cannot live without her"; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection-- if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all.
-- C.S. Lewis

since high school, i thought knowing human love would help me understand Divine love. i thought that if i found the person who turned my heart inside-out, made my bones melt and my skin want to pull away from my body, i'd understand how to respond to a God of Love. that once i experienced love through a romantic relationship, i could lift my eyes to heaven and understanding would descend upon my ingorance.

it occured to me today that i should search for love-- not among pretty faces, deep brown eyes and hypnotic smiles, but among the heavens themselves. maybe i'd find Someone that'd rock my senses and leave me utterly stunned. maybe i'd find Someone that'd ignite every passion of every cell of my body, Someone that'd snuff out the fear and insecurity. Someone that'd teach me how to love.

one of my friends in college was really a genius. he could do complex math problems in his head. he would fold his arms over his desk to pillow his head in physics class and, without taking notes, retain all of the information given by the professor. he was also a computer programming whiz, considered the best at dartmouth for most of his stay there. major software companies (even the big, redmond-based one!) were trying to lure him into their companies.

i'm no genius. i'm just a penniless, unemployed dude with an out-of-tune guitar and chalk-dry eyes....

and that has to go to sleep before my big, fat head falls off of my neck.

i took an IQ test today. not one of those light-weight, wannabes that they have on the internet, but a real one. it lasted 2.5 hours and it actually takes time to score. i'll find out tomorrow if i have what it takes to rule the world... muhahahahah.

i'm not sure if i should've taken the test. anything that'll make me big-headed is bad. (see! i'm already assuming that i'll score ridiculously high). it doesn't matter anyways. chicks don't dig smart guys. they like guys with big muscles. that can drink beer without turning santa claus red. and don't have to pee every five minutes.

i have to rest up. all day church marathon tomorrow. i might have time to squirt water on my face and down my back, but that's about it. what time is it? praise time. huh!

job update:

i'm temping back at the "major record label" all next week. hopefully, i'll also get an update on the full-time position while i'm there. in the mean time, i'll just have to continue holding my breath.

i'm glad to be done with the legal job. i kinda feel bad for the attorneys who have to keep working on the case until they win, lose or settle (considered winning)... but then i think about how much money they make:

social life + soul = $200,000 - $500,000 / year

the senior associate probably makes around the first figure, the jr. partner on the case probably makes closer to the second figure... maybe more.

sigh. i must keep reminding myself that money isn't the most important thing in life. i'm not doing too well in the girl department either, though. sigh, sigh, sigh.

my term as "praise leader" starts this week. i got the word from pastor B yesterday. i don't think i'm ready (i don't i'll ever be ready). i keep thinking about how people are going to see me... if i'm supposed to be a "better example" now... or if people expect things from me: musically, morally, spiritually. but the phrase, "just be yourself", keeps repeating in my head, like a bad self-help tape.

...just be yourself, just be yourself, just be yourself...

myself? the eyes-closed, hands-in-pockets, back-and-forth rocking, microphone-phobic, sweaty-handed, oops-my-pick-fell-into-the-sound-hole self? the head-scratching, easily-distracted, sings-flat-in-public, overly-apologetic self who smells the funky mic, gets disgusted but keeps sniffing?

riiiiiight...

i'm waaaay too sleepy today. i can't seem to stay awake to practice guitar or even write something a bit more meaningful. instead, i close my eyes and let a thick, down comforter gently hug my brain as it snuggles itself into dreamland.

nighty-nite.

so many things can happen in a week.

i think God's making up for all those times i was calling out to Him, but hearing only the echo of my own voice and the muffled sounds of my next-door neighbor's stereo. or maybe i'm just listening harder. eight days ago i wasn't sure what God wanted from me. my prayers left me feeling alot of ?'s and not enough .'s and !'s. starting from last tuesday, though, i really feel like God's been clearly communicating things to me... and He's been definitely challenging me.

i just found out today that i'll be leading praise at the 5pm service. i always kinda thought that i'd get pushed into that position, but i had no idea it'd come so quickly and unexpectedly. i was quite content playing the djembe and trying to harmonize. now i gotta actually think about chords and stuff (if i play guitar, that is). i don't know how i'm going to do this. i haven't led praise in such a formal setting before and i have some size 14s to fill (actually JH and i have the same foot size, i think... but you know what i mean).

Lord, help me.

i had a very looooooong discussion with my roommate about God. i tried to keep it personal and avoid a long-winded theological, philosophical, intellectual debate... but i failed at trying to dodge those topics. i hope he and i both weren't arguing for the sake of arguing, but that i was expressing my faith in God and that he was sincerely seeking Him. i fear that my stubborness had a little too much control though.

God, forgive me for shifting my eyes away from my brother and towards a verbal exchange-- a debate. i love him and hope that You'll soon usher him into Your kingdom. i pray that You wouldn't allow me to trip him up in his struggle with You. i pray that You, Yourself, would demonstrate the overwhelming love You have for him. i pray that Your grace would convict him and that he would come to know You (soon). thank You, Lord, for all that You will do in him. in Jesus' name, Amen.

anger management classes... therapy... prozac...

some emotional problems have clear paths to recovery. what if your affliction is not anger? what if the thorn in your side is not depression? what if, instead, you're trying to get over someone you like? i wish i could just count to ten, take a deep breath and exhale the girl out of my mind. or maybe even pop a few pills and let the the drugs erase my memories of her. (if i invented this kind of medication, i bet i'd make a killing).

some people believe you can't control this feeling... that you can't decide to un-like someone. but why not? i'm a thinker... not a feeler. i can work this out with my brain power! haha. and God can help me too... He wants more of my attention anyways.

i hope i don't sound obsessed or wildly infatuated. it's really not serious. i just want to tame the bear before i start devouring innocent bunnies with my claws and fangs... and big f***ing teeth (a reference to swingers).

i just got back from the retreat. instead of treking back home to queens, i've decided to stay the night at dan's place... i'll have to dress like a scrub to church tomorrow, but at least i'll get some extra sleep.

the retreat was good. the worship time-- for which i was recruited-- was good. bangbang led and i sang back-up and played djembe. we also had someone play the keys. i underestimated these kids. behind the huge (fake) bling bling studs and puffy north face jackets, past the gel-crusted hair and gold chains; the kids were kids. they enjoyed the cheezy ice-breaker games, they joked around, they laughed, they started to open up. i didn't expect to have so much in common with these boys. we connected on family issues and our christian walks. they shared and i related. i shared and i think they related. i realize more and more how God has protected and sustained me through my teen years. one of my aunts once told me that she thought it was a "miracle" that i turned out to be "normal", given the environment in which i grew up. do i agree? i guess it depends on how you define "normal"... haha.

my body's tired. my hair is greasy. my stomach is full. i'm gonna sleep well tonight.

peace... it's such an interesting state of being. my heart feels a little bit sad... my brain a little distracted... but soul is at peace. and it feels so good. i was able to stand up straight, cock my head back and to the side and smile in the midst of the things that are going on in my life.

God and i have made sort of an agreement. He'll hook me up with everything i need in life... passion, love, intimacy, security, comfort, joy, peace (!), etc. all i gotta do is let Him be my top priority. it's not exactly the easiest thing to do, but i promised to try. i promised to try hard.

work has been alot better recently too (He acts fast). we have a little boombox and listen to the music that the attorney i work with likes: tom waits, elvis costello, the smiths, future bible heroes... alot of the music is before my time... but good nonetheless. we still have to stare at papers all day. and sometimes the paper attacks us when we're not paying attention. but we get to talk to pass the time. that's always nice.

this weekend i'm gonna be spending some time with "troubled youth" from the flushing area. i promised to volunteer some of my time and "talents" for this cause... i'll be playing some djembe... singing some songs... and leading some games. the thought of these 18-year-old thugs is slightly intimidating... but i'm tune with my ghetto-ness: i'm funky fresh... i'm dope... i'm off da hook... hahah.

please pray for these young people. those years can be tough for a lot of kids. they need all the prayer and all the God they can get.

peace out.