someone asked me today why i'm roboto. i'd written a long explanation on my very first post, but it got deleted (i got timed-out and had to re-sign-in). i didn't want to bother typing it out again, but since it's fresh on my mind and i have nothing else to talk about...

i've come to discover that i have no emotions. just like a robot. my mood fluctuates between bored, pensive and smiley. there's no anger, no depression, no sorrow, no regret. but there's also no bliss, no vigor, no passion, no love. it sucks because i sit at my desk sometimes, with my guitar on my lap, and nothing comes out. i try to write, but it's just my brain playing with some words... my heart's on hiatus. i'm beginning to wonder if i've repressed my emotions altogether. i've done it before:

in 9th grade, i had a crush on this girl... we'll call her Lorna (because that's her name). one of my friends at the time (he's no longer my friend... we had a falling-out... long story, maybe next time), would always tease me about her. i decided to ignore my "friend's" taunts and let her know my feelings (i guess i wasn't as robotic back then). i remember sitting at home writing a bunch of drafts where i'd wittily and charmingly-- and with good penmanship-- sway her in my direction. i remember keeping the note folded in my wallet, until the right opportunity came. i remember talking to her on the phone once (i don't remember of this was a common occurance or if this was an act of desparation) and boldly read her the letter. i know you're dying to hear the rest of the story... but you know what...? i don't remember it. seriously. it may have been too traumatic for me because i have absolutely no idea what happened after that. i just remember that i never spoke to lorna again. i saw her in the hallways... i saw her at the mall... but we never said hi... we never made meaningful eye-contact... nothing. [another funny thing worth mentioning is that my dad actually found one of the drafts of that love letter. he was interrogating me about it, so i had to fight back by getting mad at him for going through my trash to discover it... he claims he found it on the ground... i must've missed the garbage can... but regardless the fact that i was retaliating distracted him enough to forget about the letter... hahaha]

so maybe i was traumatized... or maybe it's been a gradual regression. maybe i have no emotions or maybe i just hide them well. either way. i am roboto.