i have a warped sense of reality.
yes, yes, i know everyone does, but mine's starting to bother me. i have a friend who's an only child... his mom babied him alot, always saying he was such a good son... that he was so handsome and smart. he said that in high school and college, he slowly began to realize that he wasn't as good-looking as his mom had him believe. another example occurred on a road trip to new hampshire last year. it was me and two friends (both women). the idea of forming our own little fight club came to our minds... they were convinced that if the two of them fought me, they'd overwhelmingly win. i, of course, with a greater grip on reality had no choice but to disagree.

i was reading the book of Daniel today. this guy was crazy blessed by God: good looks, intelligence, privilege. the thing that amazed me most was his unwavering faith in God. not only that, but how his faith seemed to work in union with his intelligence and good looks and privilege. i always feel like my "gifts" and my faith are in constant conflict with one another... like i'm either relying on my own abilities OR on God... rarely are both working together. the other thing is, my warped sense of reality makes me believe i'm good at everything... i'm so diluted, i don't even know what my "gifts" are...

Daniel is like the guy that got 5 talents and i'm the guy with 1. he's making a profit for the master while i'm just burying mine.

i hate being on hold. for some reason, my cell phone's not downloading the ringers and images i want, so i gotta make the call to get it fixed... because, you know, this kind of stuff is important.

i've been thoroughly unproductive all day-- unless you count watching movies and downloading mp3s-- then, i was a well-oiled machine. i actually can't remember which movies i saw today (i've seen a half-dozen within the past few days). the movies i've seen include: a beautiful mind, i am sam, me, myself & irene, my sassy girl (which i've already written about, orgazmo (contrary to the way it sounds, not an "adult" movie... in any sense of the word), and jay and silent bob strike back. i've already writtin about the only ones worth mentioning.

to balance out my movie splurge, i've also applied for a couple jobs online. i also got an email saying that the position i've been waiting for at a very large record label has opened up (finally). if things go well, i might return to the working class. if not, i'm gonna be watching some more movies. hahah.

the wireless web specialist read off a sheet of paper informing customers that they're experiencing difficulties with the ringer and image downloads. i just loooooove being on hold for 40 minutes only to be read a 3 sentence message. how dare they waste my precious time like that!

yes, i'm definitely a snob when it comes to music and film. but there's a small place in my heart for cheezy, sappy, romantic comedies-- a very small place, mind you.

i just watched my sassy girl on my roommate's computer. the version i downloaded only had chinese subtitles, so i had to pay attention to the korean dialogue. i'm going to have to watch it again with english subtitles, so i can fully understand all the little details, but even on a superficial level the movie was good. the characters were funny, their personalities pretty well-developed, the korean slap-stick humor was tolerable and jun ji-hyun is cute. the camera work was even impressive.



i give it 4 robotic thumbs up.

in my previous blog entry, i mentioned that i got less sleep but that i felt fine. well, i guess i was wrong. i was at a small birthday dinner for helen and people kept saying that i didn't seem like myself. they kept asking if i was feeling okay... if i was down about something... if something was on my mind. maybe i was just feeling a little bit pensive. it might have to do something with my roommate being out of town and feeling more "grown up"... i don't know. maybe it was just the (really subtle) sleep deprivation... i did feel a little bit cranky.

anyways, the dinner was at guastavino's. a very nice (and pretty expensive) place on 59th and 1st ave. everybody was impressed with the high, cathedral-esque ceilings and the chichi decor. it was definitely nice... a good date place. but i didn't like the crowd... it seemed packed with guidos and fake blondes... not a place i'd pick up chicks (if i was into that sort of thing). anyways, i had a decent steak and we all shared desserts. i went way over the amount that i wanted to spend and ended up dishing out every monetary note in my wallet.

the conversation was good. not the typical: sports, politics, gossip, relationships. it was a bit more deep... it seemed very much like a small group. we talked about life outlooks and how we see ourselves growing. we talked about what it means to really be yourself. we talked about living by faith (as opposed to just living with it). and we talked about relationships (hahah... c'mon we always talk about relationships).

all in all it was a good dinner... even if i wasn't being myself... i kind of liked just sitting back and not doing all the talking... not verbalizing all the tongue-in-cheek remarks that flash in my brain.

i'm getting sleepy. i may have to hit the sack a little early tonight.
or maybe i'll watch a movie. i need to do something brainless. i'm tired of thinking.

weird. i never remember my dreams, but last night i had two that i now remember pretty clearly. the other weird thing is that patrick also posted his dream today.

i'm going to just summarize the dreams, because i typed the full versions out and they just seemed too boring. here's the first one: i get mad at my roommate for spending money frivolously on clothes, something he told me he didn't want to do (i guess i was trying to hold him accountable). he gets mad at me for getting mad at him. we almost slug it out, but somehow it gets fizzled out.

the second one was about an anachronistic invention of the mini-disc in the1940s. 3 record executives from different parts of the world (america, japan, europe) meet for a very informal update on how things are going in their respective countries' music industries. when the american announces that he's invented the mini-disc (even before CDs were invented, go figure). the other two reveal that they too had invented such technologies in their countries as well. it flashes (very briefly) to the present where our technology is so much more advanced because of the early invention of the minidisc. don't ask me to explain how the technology is more advanced... i don't remember the details... i just remembered that it was amazing.

anyways, dreaming was quite nice. i think it made the sleep more efficient. i only got like 6 or 7 hours (compared to my normal 10 or 11), but i feel fine.

i've changed my commenting host. it's ugly, i know. but they give me very little freedom in the design dept.

please test the commenting by clicking below and saying hi (or whatever else you want to say).

my roommate's been out of town all weekend. so i've had the place all to myself. i've never lived completely by myself. in the city and in college, i've always had a roommate and before that i was living at home with la familia. so only when my roommate's are out of town, i get to experience living solo.

it's not really the same as living alone. there's still another person's stuff in the apartment. and it rarely lasts more than a few days. but still.

my roommate's supposed to return tomorrow (technically today, tuesday) possibly with the friend he's been visiting, so i've been trying to clean up a little bit. in the process, i'm reminded how much of a packrat i am... i have so much junk... and for some reason, it's hard to throw stuff away. i save empty boxes, platic bags, receipts, concert tickets, magazines... i'm doing my best to throw stuff away, but my room's still a bit of a mess. i end up just stuffing the ji-ji-beun-han [korean for "random clutter", sort of] stuff in a drawer or in one of the shoeboxes i've saved.

i wonder if i'd be neater or messier if i lived alone. i guess there'd be no one to hold my cleanliness accountable. but on the other hand, there'd be no one to blame for the mess that'd accumulate, so i'd feel more of a burden to clean. and would i be lazier? or more efficient? would i watch more tv? or would i be more creative with my time? would i enjoy coming home more? would i cook more? i don't think i can really be myself if i have a roommate... because i'd have to live knowing that my actions affect/influence someone else. hm. maybe that's why i feel like i don't know myself-- because i don't have enough time to really be myself.

sigh. i guess i should get back to "organizing" my room, for my roommate's sake.

another week, another wedding...

i've been to 3 weddings within the last month or so. some random ah-juh-shi [korean for "older man"] came up to me today after the wedding and said that i should be next. i told him i'm too young to get married, even though part of me really does want to be "next". i shouldn't have said i was too young... i should've said what was really on my mind... "to what girl?" but i guess i just didn't want to get into that discussion with some strange dude.

one of my church friends revealed to me that he's been seeing someone at our church. i thought he was joking at first (and at second and third) because he probably thought i "caught" them in the stairwell. as he was trying to convince me that he was telling the truth, he also brought up a suggestion that i should be playing the field as well... that maybe i'd "catch one". again, i somehow managed to just shrug my shoulders and avoid that conversation. had i got into it, it'd probably sound something like this:

me: there's no one i'm interested in.
him: what do you mean? there are plenty of girls... just look around.
me: i have looked. i'm not attracted to any of them.
him: why aren't you attracted to any of them?
me: i don't know. maybe i'm too picky.
him: well, what are you looking for?
me: [long partially memorized list including, but not limited to:] smart... funny-- no witty... semi-athletic... somewhat quirky... passionate... creative... good voice (speaking and/or singing)... good laugh/smile... good sense of style... cute... etc.... etc... etc...
him: hmmm... [uncomfortable silence] do you wanna play foozball?

yes, part of me thinks i'm being too picky. BUT you gotta have standards... i know people (esp. girls) who end up falling for people that are all wrong for them. i know love is blind, but come on... shoot, it makes me want to throw frickin' bones at them. besides, that's just my personality... i'm anal like that. so what? i have a well thought-out list. these are things that are important to me... these are things that i'm attracted to... these are things that'll captivate my attention and sustain me in a relationship. i'm just being honest, people.

i'm open for advice... shoot away.

sooo sleepy.

i just got back from church... i should have immediately hit the sack, but there was a bunch of crap on my bed... so i had to clear that... i also had to try on my suit for a wedding tomorrow. i also have to run through the song i'm gonna sing tomorrow. man, how'd i get so busy?

i was finally able to buy the cell phone that i wanted. after much searching and researching, i discovered that best buy really did have the best buy. not only did they have the lowest price, but they weren't charging tax on items under $500. to take advantage of this, i also bought a color ink jet printer, 100 CD-Rs, and a dvd for my friend (it was her birthday).

after my electronic shopping spree, i headed over to the village (west) and had dinner with a few friends to celebrate danielle's birthday. i had (very salty) BBQ ribs. we topped it off with some cupcakes from magnolia.

i had to head over to jersey to practice a song with jane. we're singing at a wedding on saturday. i really need to practice my guitar part. it's a bit more challenging than i thought. probably because it's a jazz tune-- a genre i'm not comfortable with... and also because i suck! only 2 more days to practice. i hope it goes well.

my day revolved around a couple beds. my roommate needed a bed, so i hooked him up with a friend who was selling hers because she was getting a new one. so in the morning i sat in her apartment to wait for her new bed to arrive... in the meantime, i chilled and disassembled her old bed for my friend. later, i had lunch with pat and caught a movie with him and an old school friend jeanette. we watched my beautiful girl, mari, as part of the new york korean film festival.



even though i dozed off for a couple minutes towards the end of the film, i enjoyed it. the animation was cool... some of it seemed like painted-over, live-action film. i liked the character drawings too... very simple, but stylized. the story seemed to follow the typical leisurely-paced, asian art-house flick. it's basically about a boy-- a dreamer like amelie-- who flashes back and forth between real life and a fantastical cloud world. he, nam-woo, is also having to deal with his best friend moving away to seoul. it's definitely good to see some quality animation coming out of korea... not just the in-between work that's pumped out for american shows (like the simpsons and futurama, etc)

anyways, after the show i had some jja-jjang myun and picked up the bed to take home. i've been cleaning my apartment a little since then. i'm beat and am going to sleep like a baby tonight.

just got back from the jennifer knapp (official webpages weren't working) concert. michael tait was supposed to open for her, but he was unable to perform (for undisclosed reasons), so christa black stepped in at the last minute. she had a short set... about 4 songs. christa was pretty good-- especially her last two songs ("view" was one, she didn't mention the title of the last). she's twenty-four.... makes me wonder what the heck i'm doing at this age... (definitely not performing at irving plaza!!! i gotta start getting my booty in gear).



jennifer knapp was rocking. we were standing right in front of the stage... off to the left. it was a great view. unfortunately we were right in front of the lead guitarist so his amp was drowning out the rest of the musicians. her set was pretty long, probably to make up for such a short opener. i had forgotten that the jennifer concert was today, so i didn't have a chance to brush up on her stuff... but it was cool to just hear the music. it really makes me want to write some music and start going out on a limb to perform it. we'll see.

for a second opinion, you can check pat's blog. he was at the concert too.

i should hit the sack soon. i'm getting sleepy already.

woke up, cleaned my apartment a little, did the laundry, folded the clothes that were scattered all over my room, went to praise practice and i'm sitting here now.

i saw a trio of semi-cute korean girls on the subway. i can't really describe it, but they were so obviously korean. i don't really have a point, i guess i just thought i'd share. i once ran into my uncle's wife's sister on the train. it was completely random, i didn't even know she was in the city. she is cute. is that wrong? to have a crush on someone that's related to me by one marriage? i used to love how she was so passionate about music and-- what's better-- praise. i heard through the grapevine that she was struggling a little bit. i hope she still loves praising God.

i'm starting to open up more and more to the possibility of investing more of myself into my music. i'm going to have to pray about this more, but i'll try to share once i organize what's going on in my head/heart.

my feet hurt.

i haven't played basketball in years and it didn't help that i was wearing pro-Keds (which haven't been used as real basketball shoes since the 50s).

i've once heard it said (by a bunch of girls) that they can tell what a guy is really like by watching him play basketball. if that's the case, i suck. haha. seriously, something that i have to work on is really playing in the moment. my tendancy is to get frustrated with myself because i miss shots that i know i can make--because i've made them before. what's worse is sometimes the frustration is unjustified... i miss shots that i think i should make-- being unrealistic with my own abilities.

i guess when i'm in a relationship (Lord, hook me up) i have to make sure to really work at the relationship and not unrealisitically expect myself to be able to do more than i can and be more than i am. i don't know though... we'll see when i get there.

right now i have to make sure the kimchee jji-gae doesn't burn.

i was sooo dead tired last night. i got home and just konked out. i just woke up after about 12 hours of sleep. my eyes had krusties all over, my fingers were swollen and my mouth tastes like fart, but [james brown voice] i feel good (na na na na na na na!) [/james brown voice].

i was tired yesterday because:
1. i woke up at 9 to get ready and head into manhattan for a...
2. 1.5 hour meeting about how our Alpha bible study's been going.
3. right after some of us headed out to long island for a bbq at jee's
4. i ate lots and lots and lots
5. and played volleyball
6. in 95 degree weather
7. with humidity
8. a couple of us had to head back into the city to
9. transport equipment from RCC to Lamb's Theater where
10. junghoon, helen and i lead praise for
11. an event (testimony, praise, prayer) for North Korea missions
12. moving equipment back to RCC
13 stuffing face with chicken soulvaki at moonstruck

so with all the driving around and moving stuff and eating lots and praising lots... i was TIRED.

the event was good. Soon Ok Lee gave her testimony, she was born and raised in n.korea... she was a member of the communist party and used to believe kim il sung and kim jong il were gods. she was wrongly imprisoned and witnessed the horrific abuse unleashed upon the christians in the political prisons. witnessing the amazing faith of the christians, she began to open her heart to the God that meant so much to these people-- that they would accept such brutal torture (forced to keep their heads bent to face the gound at all times, slave labor in front of hot metal-working furnaces, constant beatings by guards, meager portions of food, etc) and death (by beatings to the face and body, by being burned with liquid steel, etc.)in His name. she was released and escaped to china with her son. she eventually made it to s.korea and she goes around speaking about the persecution of christians in north korea. she's spoken at the us senate and house on multiple occasions, before the french and british governments and all over the free world. (Soon Ok Lee's book is availible here. you can also read her US Congress hearing transcript here and it continues here)

if you're a person that prays, please consider the following prayer requests:
1. that God would protect the christians in north korea-- physically, spiritually, and emotionally
2. that God would begin to soften the hearts of Kim Jong-il and the north korean government to the amazing grace of God.
3. that God would send more missionaries to china (near the n.korean border) and north korea to demonstrate the love of Christ to refugees and koreans.
4. that Christians in the prisons would soon see the day when they are able to SHOUT their praises to their Lord, to their God, to their Father.

thank you.

Lord, hear our prayers and move in north korea. Amen.

i'm about to fall over my chair and enter a 7-hour coma, so i'll keep it short.

went to the beach today. jones beach (you: again?!? me: yes!). attendees: helen, kristy and a foolish mortal. it was a bit cloudy, but that only made the moments of sunshine even more beautiful. the waves were much more turbulant that they were last saturday... it probably had something to do with the crazy thunder/lightning storm that took over the beach soon after we left. it was a nice chill time.

what's weird is that if i close my eyes, i get a little dizzy and i feel like i'm on the waves. maybe God's trying to tell me that my heart/soul is turbulant and i need His peace.

at alpha (a bible study at my church), we talked about prayer. it made me realize that i should do more of it.

Lord, help me to lift my eyes to You and pray, pray, pray (just to make it today). Amen.

i just got back from watching the strokes and the white stripes at radio city music hall-- and afterwards, stuffing my stomach with a whole lotta dduk gook (korean rice cake soup).



i got the tickets from three of my noonas [korean for 'older sister'... pluralated in konglish]-- jenie, danielle and judy. one of the most thoughtful birthday gifts i've ever received. (thanks j/j/d!).

the concert kicked off with the white stripes performing first (as they were the visiting band from detroit). jack white comes out in his signature candy apple red pants and matching t-shirt. meg white wears a red skirt with white shirt. they really do look like brother and sister-- like they claim-- although the media is quick to spoil their fun by revealing their past as a couple. anyways... jack was on electric guitar and occasionally clunked out a few chords on the keyboard. meg was happily flailing her arms and swaying back and forth on the drums. jack sang most of the songs. meg chimed in and doubled up on the melody in a couple of the songs... and seemed happy with her one song.

if i were to start a band right now, it'd probably sound like the stripes (intentionally and unintentionally). music rarely gets much simpler than that... 2 instruments and 2 voices; basic (i mean really really basic) drum beats over a hooky electric and no-frills vocals. it has a certain rough and raw flavor that i like... and that i wouldn't be able to avoid if i just started a band.

the strokes were the hometown band and the audience really got into them. they look and sound just like their music videos. the really worked the lights though. the lead singer messed up his knee so he had to sit on a stool for 90% of the performance. all-in-all it was a good performance. it was cool to see jack white come out to solo for the closing song-- new york city cops.

the concert in general made me think alot about my own music-- or lack thereof. it was cool seeing the musicians singing the songs that they wrote... playing music that they created. it made me think about the process... what were their inspirations? did they write the lyrics first and fit the music to match? or the other way around? or were they created independantly of each other and then just arbitrarily matched up? watching the audience was almost as entertaining as watching the band... some people were just so into it... dancing and singing as if they were in the privacy of their own shower. i wondered what kind of connection they had to this music? do they really relate to the lyrics? or do they just think the band members are hot?

i think i'll try to write a song for the next open mic at remnant. maybe this is just the first step towards my radio city music hall debut...

or maybe it'll just give me something original to sing on the toilet. (c'mon, i know you do it too!)

somebody give me a job.

there's no point in me looking for a job. everything i see on those job websites sucks. the only way i'm gonna get a job is if someone hands one to me.

i don't think employers realize how great of an asset i'd be to their company... or maybe they fear me too much to hire me. granted, i don't have that much experience.... but experience is overrated. sure, someone may have performed some similar task at some similar company, that just makes him/her biased to a certain way of doing things. companies need outside-the-box thinkers like me. someone who'll actually think and perform and revolutionize the industry, and one day rule the world.... [evil laugh] muhahahahahhahahahha [/evil laugh]

hahaha... ah, who am i kidding? people should just hire me because i'm a team player. i work hard. and i'm pleasant to work with. isn't that what really matters?

companies should send ME their resumes.

i wonder when my other sister's birthday is...

people who know my family, know that i have a younger brother (22) and a sister (16). very few people know that i had another sister. she'd be around 20 now. i bet she'd have gone to a good college. i bet she'd be kinda funky... more alternative than me... well-dressed... witty... cute... definitely cute. i bet i'd have to fight the guys off. i bet she'd sing well.... i bet she'd play the guitar. i bet she'd be strong, sharp, passionate, deep, warm, cheezy. i bet she'd be on fire for God...


i think only God could've taken care of christine better than me.
i guess austin and bommie still have the privilege of having me as their older brother. hahah.

God, don't let me disappoint them.

happy birthday, bommie.

today is my sister's birthday. she turns 16. i can't believe she'll be driving. i'm a good eight years older than her, so i was old enough to remember her being born. man. it's cool to see that she's grown up in my disfunctional family and seems to be psychologically "normal". one of the things that sucks about having gone to school in new hampshire and the fact that i'm in new york now, is that i wasn't (and am not) around to see her really grow up. i mean, i think i've learned pretty well how to deal with our parents... i think i have plenty of good advice and wisdom to impart... i'm sure i can help her rock high school. why am i in new york?

most of you probably can't see the little image i put in my previous post. so if you really wanna see it click here. then click back to this page.

[russell crowe voice] are you not entertained? are you not entertained?!? [/russell crowe voice]

well, my day was pretty uneventful, just hung out at home and changed the color scheme of my blog. i quite like the green motif. i think i'll keep this one for a while.

i've also been keeping busy reading up these cool comics. this guy's good. i like the artwork and the content (although, i don't like his views on christianity). if you wanna recommendation, try "ungrateful appreciation" or on the more serious side "island".

it's cool to be able to read comics from a korean american p.o.v.

enjoy.

the secret identity of roboto is not-so-secret anymore. whatever... i knew it'd happen sooner or later. people really must be bored if they want to read about my utterly boring life. i guess i'll have to be more entertaining. what would you like? a nice little dance...? (to self: do i really wanna do this?)

well, what the heck: you asked for it.



am i going to regret this?

music these days sucks. i take that back... pop music these days sucks. the problem is: i live in a media-saturated civilization that constantly bombards me with said sucky music. there are no good radio stations (who listens to the radio anyways?). i haven't found a good website that broadcasts diverse, mind-blowing tunes. and i don't have enough money to go out and buy random CDs that have cool cover art (you can't judge an album by it's cover!). most of my friends don't share my taste in music either.

maybe i should edumacate my readers... i'll add a section to my wall (--------->) with roboto's not-so-poppy music selections. it'll have to wait 'til tomorrow though-- when my eyelids aren't scraping my eyeballs with every blink.

nite, folks... and don't forget to kill your radios.

what better way is there to spend a saturday than at the beach? a swarm of us (about 35 total) crashed jones beach to frolick, stuff our faces and make our friends/co-workers jealous of our tanned bodies. i know i got plenty of sun, 'cause my fingernails, toenails and ass seem whiter than normal. (i know you all check out your naked booties in the bathroom too!)

the sun set and we all had to return to our dirty, smelly and congested neighborhoods, but not before grabbing some jja jjang myun in flushing and talking about poop.



thank God for days like this.

what a day. a friend entrusted me with his car and some hoodlum interrupts this bond and steals the stinkin' car! people keep telling me that i shouldn't feel bad... that it wasn't my fault... but how can i brush this off? i feel awful.

we truly do live in a fallen world.

i've added miss jaymee ong to my wall. it was only a matter of time before she graced my page. now i get to see her everyday... *heavy sigh*

the heat is on... i'm finally feeling the financial pressure of living this slacker's lifestyle. my checks are saved by my overdraft credit and my credit card debt is about to smash its head into the ceiling. i need $.

it didn't help that i had a couple friends from Tacoma, WA in town. they used to go to my church back in my high school days. one of them is now in medical school, the other is deciding between a safe trade (becoming a title agent) and a high-risk, possibly high-yield internet endeavour. i need a job or i need to go to grad school or something. i wish God would tell me what He wants! am i not asking the right way? am i not asking at all? i feel like i've been "waiting" for God for the past 3 years.

i've gotta be doing something wrong.

Lord, speak to me.

i just watched amelie again (i think this is my third time). audrey tautou is beautiful, i'm afraid to watch another movie with her, as i'm afraid my image of her as amelie poulin will fade.

anyways, miss tautou has the privilege of gracing roboto's wall. congratulations, audrey... how 'bout a kiss?

what a beautiful day it was! the weather was sooo nice... i had a hard time believing i was in new york. the sky was clear. the temperature perfect. and the breeze could only have come from a God that loves me. hahah.

i wish new york was always this nice-- i guess then i'd be in the west coast.

ps. don't ever watch collateral damage (the one starring ahh-nold). it s-u-u-u-u-ucks.

i'm on hold right now with my cellular phone carrier. i'm trying to convince them that they need to send me a new phone because mine sucks. i've had it for a couple years and it's been getting horrible reception lately. i hear it has something to do with new "towers" being set up and my phone's software not being upgraded to receive signals from said "towers"...

who cares, i just want a newer, cooler phone-- with better reception.

---------------

well, apparently they don't give away free phones anymore, but they gave me another good offer: one free month and $30 credit towards the next month, plus more than double my daytime and nights/weekend minutes for only one more dollar AND-- the best part to me-- the nights and weekends stay at 8pm. should i take the offer? i was really hoping to get my hands on this new phone!

decisions, decisions.

in other news, my old roommate pretty much moved all of his stuff out today. now all i have to do is sanitize my entire apartment. something i'm anxious to do, but i'm not looking forward to breaking my back over this.

i gotta get some rest... i have to sign my apartment lease tomorrow. rent's going up significantly. somebody tell me why i'm living in new york please?

i like being anonymous. right now, nobody knows the identity of roboto. i'm pretty sure nobody's even seen my page. i'm able to be as cheezy or as serious as i want. i have no expectations to live up to, nobody to impress, no sense of responsibility, no source of accountability. roboto is free.

what do i do? should i allow people the ability to truly read me like a book? will i be less honest if i open the garage door? man, even now i'm self-censoring my thoughts... typing with caution... wondering how my blog will be interpreted when read by people who have the ability to look at me differently.

i don't think i'm ready. in fact, i don't think i'll ever be ready. i'm comfortable just making this my "journal". just recording my thoughts for my own sake... just typing away without worrying about peering eyes and breathy whispers.

maybe i'll reveal myself next week.... maybe.

new york has spoiled me. rather, i've let new york make me materialistic and snobby.

i just got back from a friend's wedding out in new jersey. he's two years my senior from college and he's--i mean this in the nicest way-- a scrub. he's the type of guy that never really cared about the way he dressed. he was oftentimes insensitive and came off very apathetic about alot of things. one time, i remember a bunch of us were away on a trip... all the guys were sleeping on the floor in a single room. before the lights when out, he was on his back, picking his nose and flicking it in the air. unfortunately, i was laying next to him and was an unhappy target to his flying boogers. all this, but somehow he always managed to get the girls. go figure.

anyways, when i should've been so happy for my bro... when i should've been celebrating the joyous union of this friend and his "true love"... i was distracted by the sub-par food and total un-smoothness of the whole wedding. what's gotten into me? i blame new york city: all the fancy restaurants and artsy-fartsy work that surrounds me, all of the slick visual presentations and beautiful films and ultra-professional soundwork... my standards have become too high. and i hate it.

simplicity, simplicity, simplicity i need to go back to the days when i was naive and happy. OR maybe i've always been this snooty, i'd just never realized it. honestly and sadly, i have a feeling it's the latter. regardless of how i got here, i need to figure out how to get out.

i need humility. i need to be broken. i need to learn to see beauty in God and not in all the fancy packaging. i need love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Lord, help me.

even after a good night's rest, i don't think i have the energy to re-think and re-type the post that i lost last night. i have a couple hours before i have to get ready for a wedding, so i'll give it a shot:

why am i here?

i used to think weblogs were for megalomaniacs who thought there'd actually be people out in the world that'd want to read the ramblings of aforementioned big-head. granted, i, myself, balance a huge noggen on my shoulders, but i don't think that's why i'm here. i'm at a point in my life--probably for the first time--when i'm not quite sure where i am and not fully aware of where i'm going. to say the least, it's not a comfortable place to be. yet i see myself growing more and more content with where i am. and that sucks.

this blog is a place/time for me to calm down, think and breathe... to really introspect and--at best--dig up the weeds from the root. at the very least, i can practice expressing, through words, the ideas and emotions of my days. it might even make me a little more disciplined... who knows how long it will last though?

i tried to keep it short. i hope it makes sense when i read it later on down the road.

i'm not off to a good start. it's only my first day and already i've managed to delete my first post-- a long one describing every facet of my incredibly interesting life. and for some reason, my computer is super slow, so as i type, the letters appear on the screen a good 4 seconds after i punch them. i hate when my computer gets like this! it needs a nap and so do i. i'll restart tomorrow.