i can't sing in public. let me rephrase-- i can't sing from the heart in public. at least, i think that's what it is...

let me explain. i sang a song today at church. we have a time right after praise and before the sermon that is reserved for some sort of special presentation. sometimes there's a skit, sometimes a testimony, but most of the time it's a special song. today i sang a song. i've performed in public before: in college, i sang in an a cappella group and i've been in multiple drama presentations before (including yesterday at the ravi zacharias event). never in my life have i been as nervous as i was today. my leg was shaking so much, i had to rock back and forth to mask the spasms. i had to keep my eyes closed for 98% of the song. i strained to push air through my throat, only to hit the notes flat.

i think the only way to describe the feeling is: vulnerable. i'm standing there, singing a song addressed to God... a song that represents and describes my personal relationship with Him-- in all it's depth and shallowness. but i'm doing before a crowd of people, many of whom i don't know. i fear what the people think of me: will they think i'm faking it? am i faking it? will they think i'm over-spiritualizing or religiositizing it? am i religiositizing it? will they see through my shell and discover a stained, unworthy heart? will they judge me? will they understand me? will they relate?

Everything by Lifehouse

Find me here, and speak to me. I want to feel You, I need to hear You
You are the light that's leading me to the place where I find peace... again

You are the strength that keeps me walking; You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the Life to my soul. You are my purpose. You are everything

And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and You give me rest. You hold me in your hands; You won't let me fall.
You still my heart and You take my breath away
Would You take me in? Would You take me deeper now?

'Cause You're all I want. You're all I need. You're everything
Everything.

people said they enjoyed the song. i wonder if anyone noticed my nakedness.

what do you do when you're dead tired and there's a bunch of clothes scattered all over your bed?

you blog. well, at least i do. i'm not quite ready to separate all of these clothes, so i'm procrastinating. today was t-dawg's birthday. we had brunch and watched a capoeira "baptism" (the ceremony at which capoeiristas get promoted). there was a brazilian dance troupe that performed at dartmouth a few years back-- i had an opportunity to participate in their capoeira workshop and remember having such a good time. watching all of those moves today makes me want to give it another try.

in the evening i went to the second half of the ravi zacharias mind-blowing extravaganza. (he was actually at a much slower, less headache-inducing pace today).

there's alot i've been thinking about lately, but i haven't got the energy to rethink my thoughts and type them out for y'alls. maybe tomorrow.

3am is quickly approaching and i have a big day ahead of me. i don't know what i'm doing.

the ravi zacharias talk gave me a headache. i haven't used my brain in such a long time. he speaks so articulately and with such depth, that i had to push my mind to keep up. when normally i would be easily distracted by a mispronounced word, some weird lighting problem or a hot girl sitting across the room; ravi had a way of commanding my full attention. it must be a gift.

i'm looking forward to the second part of his talk (today). i'm not looking forward to the revised skit--or new skit-- we may have to do. (i was under the impression that this was 2 1-day events, as opposed to 1 2-day event... so we prepared only one skit... dan, rich and i were trying to see if we could write up a new skit for the second talk-- or at the very least, add something to the first skit to make it less boring for the people that attend both days). regardless, God's gonna have to push us through this one.

i'm crashing.

so i think i'm back to the idea of not going to law school. not 100% sure though. it's still something i have to pray about.

i had a pretty full day. the first half was with tammy: helping her pick out the best router (by "best" i mean "cheapest"), lunch, chillin', etc. afterwards, pat and i went down to jenie & dani's place to watch must see tv and order-in. dani and i decided to busk (play music for money) next week, so we had a mini jam session.

i'm beat, but i have to take care of some audio editing for the ravi zacharias talk friday and saturday. so i'm outtie.

the weather's getting nice. good weather indicator #1: i had to snooze a couple times this morning because my bed was just so cozy. good weather indicator #2: i was rummaging through my dresser to find something to wear, but realized that all of my long-sleeved stuff was packed away (i was too lazy to actually go looking for stuff, so i threw on a wool jacket). it's not that i love colder weather... it's just that the new york humidity was just too intolerable.

two of my immos (korean for aunt on mom's side) were in town this morning getting their hair done in k-town. the younger one's moving to cincinnatti for her husband's dental practice, so this was their last trek out to manhattan for a while. it's cool talking to them; their perspectives fall somewhere between my mom's and mine. they're seriously making me consider going to law school. i mean, it'd definitely make my parents happy. it'd definitely be a steady source of income (upon graduation, that is). it's a "repsectable" vocation (this is questionable to me). i don't know. i don't want to deal with the boring reading, the boring classmates and the debt! BUT it made me think, "maybe god's closing all of these music industry doors on me for a reason." something i gotta pray about.

after saying hi and getting some yohng-dohn (spending money), i had lunch and caught a movie with kinky-T. atanarjuat, the fast runner is a film adaptation of an Inuit ("eskimo") folk tale. it's a cool 3-hours of snow, japanese-looking people and a culture that's the exact opposite of new york city life. atanarjuat is the best use of digital filmmaking (waaaay cheaper than film) i've seen, so far. and it's beautiful. check it out if you get a chance.

i'm crawling into my warm bed now.

i just took an attachment style questionnaire. i'm happy to find that i have relatively low "attachment-related anxiety" and equally low "attachment-related avoidance" which, apparently, means i'm "secure". the weird thing, for me, about the questionnaire was that the questions referred to my "romantic partner". i've never had one. so my answers were all speculation. i had to imagine i was in a serious relationship with someone and throw myself into these emotions. (somehow, i doubt this study is supposed to operate this way) but this excercise was fascinating for me, nonetheless. when i think about being in such a relationship, i rarely think about whether i'd be the jealous type... whether i'd be insecure of her feelings towards me... whether i'd be fearful of her leaving me. my canvas is clean (with the exception of a few scratches made by lorna (see 9/2/02's entry) and a couple minor flings in college). i think about holding hands and doing that yawn-streach-arm-around-the-girl thing. i think about laughing together and staring at her when she's staring up at the clouds. about sharing special songs and ice cream sundaes. (what a sap i am! i'll stop for the sake of my male readers-- hahaha.)

i guess my point is that i'm either optimistic or naive-- i'm like this about alot of things, not just relationships. and that i'll have to take this survey again when i'm dating... to see if i really know myself and to find my spot on that scale between optimism and naivety.

ps. i've realized that it's hard for me to type while listening to deltron 3030. del doesn't mumble when he raps... he fully enunciates every word. my brain keeps getting distracted by his rhymes. mogwai is much better.

what do i do now that my roommate's out of town? veg out. i watched way too much tv. daytime tv sucks. i did manage to do the dishes, clean the air circulation filter thingy and make myself dinner.

i'm listening to the new coldplay album and trying to absorb cool hand luke. i'm feeling like God's dealing me nothing, i'm wondering if i can somehow turn it into a real cool hand. the thing is... i'm not sure if i'm supposed to find my own way (like luke did). [you probably have to watch the movie to understand what i'm trying to say]. i'm on my knees, staring up at Him, holding out for His voice, waiting for the answer. as much as i want to relate to lucas jackson, i can't "unbelieve" what i already know... my life is already full of blessings. i have pocket aces, but have no confidence that i'll win. there's only one card left to be dealt... it gives new meaning to my plea, "Lord, find me in the river". sorry for all of the (somewhat) obscure poker references. i'll be happy to explain in person if you want.

i haven't done my qt in over a week. gotta get back into daniel. maybe God'll tell me something... maybe He'll give me a job.

i learned alot today.

first off, i was really tired... i got plenty of sleep last night, but the 4 hours i got the night before tracked me down today. i almost fell asleep on the 7-train, coming back from church.

pastor bruce talked about wrestling with god today... he talked about what it feels like when we talk to
God, only to receive silence in return (reminds me of a scene from cool hand luke). pb said God wants us to struggle/wrestle with him... that it ultimately draws us closer to Him. the passage he used was psalm 39

afterwards, i went to dinner with a crowd i don't normally hang out with and the conversation was soo good. everyone always talks about relationships and dating, but it seemed different today. people seemed more honest and personal... and the points made were insightful. topics included why (some) girls fall for "bad boys"... why (some) guys seem to get nervous when the relationship gets serious (not always fear of just commitment)... one of the married sisters shared her insights as a newly-wed... the single folks talked about why they think they're single... (ahhaha).

in other news, my roommate just told me he was heading down to MD to visit his friend (again). i get the apt. all to myself. nice!

the wedding today was nice. all weddings are nice, but the couple seemed sooo genuinely happy to be with each other. nobody seemed to be stressing or worrying about things going perfectly... it just seemed like a pleasant celebration-- as it should be. i'm happy for them.

after the wedding i stopped by my place to change and head into the city. i had a meeting and then hung out with the ladies... a whopping seven-to-one ratio. i looked like a stud dancing with a posse of girls around me (included were jee, helen, kristy and some of their friends). some guy at open air kept commenting saying that i "knew how to party..." hahah... he must've thought they were some sort of harem. hahahah. it haven't had a chance to dance in a while... i was a little rusty, but started to get the hang of it. it was my second time at open air, i really like the space... it's a bit small and not too many people danced, but it was quaint... and fun, when you have enough people to stake an area. i had a good time. the dj was spinning some gooood non-mainstream hip hop-- a mix of old skool and new... perfect.

i'm beat and i stink. i'm gonna sleep well tonight.

i rarely watch old movies. i don't know what it is: the out-dated slang, the dusty & speckly film quality, the dull--sometimes non-existent-- color... but for whatever reason, i usually don't get into them. somebody recently recommended such a movie to me. a 1967, paul newman flick called cool hand luke. much to my surprise, an amazing, deep and inspiring film!

go out and rent it. there's even a poker scene (in case you didn't know, i'm a huge poker fan).

i don't know why i'm up burning cds at 4:20. i should hit the sack so i'm not dozing off at the ac-nl wedding tomorrow.

birthday parties in new york are expensive-- in fact, they're not even parties, they're just dinner in really nice places. you eat, you say "happy birthday", eat some cake and maybe go sing karaoke or something afterwards. nobody throws real parties anymore.

i never had birthday parties when i was a kid. my parents never celebrated birthdays-- or any holiday really. no pointy hats, no noise-makers, no streamers and confetti. just dinner at a restaurant. no cake, no presents. i thought it was just my family. now though, i'm grown up and live in new york city... and how do people celebrate birthdays here?... dinner! where're the piñatas and balloons? where's the loud music and party games?

we're turning into old farts.

thoroughly pooped. i met up with some friends for lunch: p-dawg (pat), d-dawg (as she's sometimes called) and t-dawg (for consistancy's sake). we went to a salt & battery in the west village. a nice little british-style fish & chips place, complete with cockneyed accents and the london times. nothing outstanding, it's just about anything that swims deep-fried. after that was coffee (or smoothie, in my case), blue crush (the movie), joe's shanghai (the juicy pork buns), bubble tea and a whole lotta walking and talking. ahhh... the joys of unemployed life in the city.

a whole day in manhattan and i succeeding in buying nothing (an amazing accomplishment for me).

thank God for good weather, good food and good company.

i'm crazy. yes, i am.

it's nearly 6am and i find myself dry-eyed, staring at my computer screen trying to figure out these riddles! i don't remember when i started, but i've worked my way through the easy and medium ones and i'm slowly working my way through the hard section. some of these i've heard before and i've been skipping ones that involve chess, higher higher mathematics, and/or a calculator. (but still, six-freaking-A-M!)

i may have to resist doing puzzles and IQ tests (which pat keeps sending me) because i think they're stumbling me. i find that i'm good at these types of logic games. but i think i place waaaaay too much value in them and i get too prideful. this then makes me frustrated, thinking "how can these IQ tests say that i'm gifted yet some stupid girl at EMI can't see that obviously the most qualified person for the job?!?" i've come to the conclusion that being able (or not being able) to do these puzzles is useless-- it's a completely fruitless activity. there's no (fun) job for people that are good at solving riddles. and it only gives me some arbitrary basis for glorifying myself. and it makes me stay up way too late which'll make me tired during lunch tomorrow.

*sigh*
they are fun though.

even though there's an internal struggle going on, today it managed to chill in the background. i didn't do much all day, which usually results in extreme boredom and a strong worry that i'm going to become a bum-- a real one. but little things here and there gave me some hope. an old co-worker IMed me out of the blue. she just recently moved into a new apt. in brooklyn and her new roommate (coincidentally?) works in the music industry. she's gonna set up an informal meeting for me. (she also wants to set me up with a cute korean argentinian she knows... ooh lah lah). she also said she'd do her best to hook me up with a position at NYU if i was interested.

i made a mixed cd for the 5pm praise team... some new songs that i think are spiffy... plus a song that i really want to do as a "special presentation".

oh what a totally unexciting life i lead...

********
well, i guess people aren't having problems commenting. if you do, please email me.

roboto's brain vs. roboto's heart
round 1
fight!

brain: roboto needs a job
heart: roboto needs Jesus
brain: roboto has alot of debt, he needs money
heart: Christ is sufficient to meet all of roboto's needs
brain: roboto doesn't have Christ's credit card number
heart: God will provide, no need to worry
brain: resumes! cover letters! apply! interview! job search!
heart: "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to god and the peace of god which transcends all understanding will guard [roboto's] heart and mind in christ jesus"
brain: it doesn't work
heart: it works

[ominous voice] who will win this battle to the death? will faith triumph over reason? or will roboto's heart crumble in defeat by the likes of roboto's brain? the roboto rumble continues... [/ominous voice]

please don't forget about commenting (see previous entry).

it has come to my attention that some of you are unable to post comments on my site. can each of you (if you're not horribly busy) try posting a comment. it'd be helpful if you included your Operating System (i.e. windows 2000, Mac OS 9.2.1, etc.) and what browser you use (i.e. internet explorer 5.0, mozilla 1.0, etc). if you are unable to post a comment, please please please email me and give me the same information and briefly describe the problem.

thanks guys.

went to alpha course last night and stayed for the prayer meeting. little did i know that we'd go to 5am! i, of course, could have left somewhere in the middle--like most people did-- but for some reason, i wanted to stay. besides, i wasn't as tired as i normally would be that late at night. i ended up sleeping (quite uncomfortably) at church and going to a meeting at 10 am. (for a total of 3 hours sleep, i can't believe i'm awake right now)

the plan was to play tennis with pat afterwards, but the east river park courts ended up being packed. so we just walked around the city.

after having a horrible experience with new york's "#@#!"-inducing public transportation system. i headed home and took a shower. then went back out into the city for a praise night at another church. it was weird. not bad weird, i've just grown accustomed to the remnant style of worship. what is that exactly? i don't know. a little rough around the edges... definitely rockin... full-sounding (with around 7 people in each band)... more spontaneous... i don't know... it just seems more free. this praise night seemed too (for a lack of better words) rehearsed and soft rock for me. it looked like people were worshipping though, so that's all that matters. the acoustics were bad though. way too echo-y... hard to hear.

i'm turning into a snob... a praise snob. Lord, help me.

i was down for most of the day... mostly because i got rejected by emi. i still managed to head into the city to meet up with a noona for dinner. we ate at Chevy's one of my new favorite restaurants (the chips are light and fresh, the salsa is good, free soda refills and it's mexican food!). she's so thoughtful, she got me a souvenier from the US Open (these cool white tennis balls) and from her trip to London (an edition of Arena a british men's fashion magazine with a cool photoshoot and article of my beloved kristin kreuk). i'm thankful for her... she managed to cheer me up and keep my hopes High. we met up with another friend (her roommate) and grabbed some fried ice cream from Go restaurant in st. mark's place and chilled at her place. it was a pleasant evening. both of these sisters always encourage me.

the thing that sucks about the day (other than the emi slap in the face), is the 2 minutes i spent at the union square barnes & noble. i needed to pee, so i went up to the bathroom. the two urinals were occupied, so i went into one of the stalls. something about one of the grafittis caught my eye and i made the "mistake" of actually reading it...

"Almighty God wants white men to date asian girls"

everything about it is so wrong. it sucks that there exist guys out there who think they're (literally) God's gift to women-- or worse yet-- they think asian women are God's gift to them! it sucks that they would pull out a pen and write it down. it sucks that they call themselves men while their fetishes are girls. it sucks that they would even bring God into the picture. it just sucks.

don't get me wrong. i have nothing against interracial dating... but sometimes love is not "blind". sometimes it's our eyes that, sadly, do all the loving. sometimes guys are just superficial like that... and they buy into the idea that asian women are exotic and/or hyper-sexual and/or submissive, etc. sometimes guys aren't even aware of their race-based fetishism. i'm not trying to generalize and say every white guy that's dating asian is racist, but i'm saying that it happens... waaay more than it should. and if you can't see at least that, you're naive.

i didn't get the emi job.
*heavy sigh*

for some reason, i thought it'd work out. this sucks. just when i thought the cards were looking good, the river card disappoints me. now what do i do? (pat, don't tell me to take the lsat with you and go to law school). arg... my brain is going to start reverting back to justin-what-are-you-doing-with-your-life mode. Lord, help me.

i hope this is God's way of looking out for me... making me hold out for that music industry job that pays a little bit better. he's definitely teaching me humility. i guess that's something i need more than a job.

i've decided to finally start my "online portfolio"... i've been meaning to do it since i've been unemployed... i don't think i'll work in web design much in the future, but you never know. for my own sake, though... i want to have a record of all the work i've done in the past. this'll be the first leg of my personal website. i'll start putting up pictures and junk.

i met up with a couple school friends for dinner... we ate in queens (amazing... huh? people actually do that). we ate a nice little filipino place-- i think it was called krystal's cafe. a little bit of chicken adobo, a little bit of beef and a little bit of halo-halo (filipino equivalent of korean patbingsu). actually, saying i ate "a little bit" of each of those things is a lie. i stuffed my little tummy with all that good stuff. it's been a good 4 hours and my stomach still looks like there's a baby inside. they also had this drink that tasted like bubble gum... yummm.

bruce lee is the man. enter the dragon was on cable and i was reminded of how cool this guy was. probably the most influential asian american man in american pop culture. i'm going to have to add him to my wall soon. in the meantime:



and check out brucelee.com and this cool interactive site (turn up your volume for this one... the music is sweeeet).

i had a hard time falling asleep last night... for the first time in a long while. alot of tossing and turning. my body was ready to sleep, but my brain wanted to hang out for a few more hours. sometimes, though, my brain is no fun-- especially when it goes into justin-what-are-you-doing-with-your-life mode. i know God is doing something... He's preparing something substancial... i guess i'm supposed to just wait... the problem is, i'm a bad waiter.

waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting...

anxiously waiting for EMI to get back to me. i'm supposed to hear back about the job sometime this week. i'm hoping they get to it early this week, but we'll see.

there's nothing for me to report. the day was pretty uneventful. vegged all day, met pat and his sister for dinner. almost bought the five deadly venoms on dvd, but resisted (with pat's help).

i'm so low energy today. i'm not sure if i need to recover from the exhausting open mic... or if something deeper is going on. contrary to to what deliriou5? would have me believe... i don't wanna go deeper. i don't know if i'm ready.

tonight was open mic night at the remnant cafe. we host one every six weeks and yours truly gets/has to emcee. we started this about a year ago and it's a pretty good time. i remember we used to struggle to get a decent line-up of performers. now, we're at a point where i'm thinking we may have to limit the number of acts. i'll definitely have to stop singing my silly songs. (tonight i sang california girls by the beach boys).

tonight's debuts were cool. jeannie on drums was fun. pat's rendition of fake, plastic trees was rockin. i like seeing them perform more than the normal 3-song set by jj's band. (no offense to the band... i'm just saying... you know...)

i'm not sure what it is-- maybe the emceeing, or maybe somebody slipped something into my water-- but i'm beat. i'm completely exhausted and was no fun at dinner. maybe this is why i'm truly an introvert... because my "functioning extrovertedness" wears me out. at this rate, i'll be asleep before midnight. wow.

i need to move to southern california. i just watched life as a house. it's set on a cliff at what's supposed to be laguna hills. it's beeauuutiful. it makes me want to build a house too. i guess that requires money. something that i don't have. it's weird. i grew up not really caring much for nature. i liked cities because there's alot of people and alot of things to do. now, though, i love spending time at the beach... i love warm (dry) weather... i love frolicking.

i wish they all could be california girls...

new york is smelly, dirty and loud. it's congested and people are rude. the summers are humid and the winters are slushy. one of the few things that keeps me here is remnant. it's like God's making me choose between a-- for a lack of a better word-- pleasant lifestyle and Him. i choose God. i choose Him more reluctantly than i should... it's a struggle. but i choose God.

fall's almost here, which means i have to reset my vcr to tape all of my favorite shows! (and add Kristin Kreuk to my wall ---->)

i don't watch too much tv, especially these days. and i'm rarely ever home to catch prime time, so i just record them all and watch them at my convenience (which is usually at 2am). this is what roboto's vcr settings look like:

sun 10-11pm abc The Practice
tue 8-8:30pm fox That '70s Show
tue 9-10pm wb Smallville
wed 8-9pm upn Enterprise
thu 8-9pm nbc Friends & Scrubs

i'm also gonna try to catch the following new shows: Girls Club (fox monday 9-10pm) and 8 Simple Rules... (abc tuesday 8-8:30).

i'm a geek. fine. so what.

weird dream last night...
i was in a place that looked like the remnant cafe... there were a bunch of cute girls... one of them handed me a note that was folded up and had my name written on it with a brown crayola marker a la 4th grade. i read the note and it was a prank... something about being in deep trouble with some underground cult that she was dabbling in... somehow i knew it was a prank. i returned the note with a tongue-in-cheek smirk and she invited me to hang out with the girls (score!). i said i would but i was really really thirsty, so i asked for something to drink. we were in kitchen and she had plenty of beverages, but no cups (!)... it was like one of those horrible, worst-case-scenario MILK commercials. just when i was about to use a plate to drink soda, i woke up.... and had to pee. weird.

being on the 5pm praise team has been such a blessing. in high school, i never really had a chance to do music ministry and in college, the praise team was really small... so coming to remnant and being immersed in a group of such gifted and blessed people is amazing. today i went to a meeting for the larger remnant worship team (both the 11:30am and 5pm groups) and felt even more blessed by this extended family. from now on we're going to be practicing and meeting together. pastor bruce wants to challenge us to build our character and not just our musical abilities. he wants us to encourage one another and be accountable and really be united as a ministry. i really hope and pray that God is faithful to our group and that He truly establishes a firm foundation of worship at remnant.

i think i need to start a band.

i'm not the guy that studies well alone... i need to be with a group, to help motivate me and push me along. if i started a band, we'd be there to spur one another on. i jammed with john, tom, joon and jae today. they recruited me to play djembe for one song (you'll hear it on sunday at remnant... come to the open mic!). i feel like a guest when i'm with them because this "band" is really john's baby... i need some ownership. i'll just have to steal all of their members... hahah.

seriously though. apart from these guys, i don't know anyone with the time, passion and skills to do this with me. maybe i'll convince jee to start a band with me when she gets back from kansas city. (whadya say, jee?)

in the meantime, i'll have to motivate myself to write... and play... and write... and pray.

hey, guess what...

i'm on south park... check it out

hahahah... you can make one too. click here. geez... i can't believe this is what i'm doing at 2:40am.

my apartment hasn't been getting much circulation. so i decided to open a couple windows. little did in know that my apartment would turn into a brothel for flies. i've since shut the windows, but they continue to multiply. if this continues i'm going to have to go on a killing spree... destroy every single one of these pesky little poop-eaters.

my roommate and i watched spirited away today (official page is down). he had downloaded it onto his computer a couple weeks ago, but haven't had a chance to watch it til now. he would've killed me if i saw it by myself while he was away. i suppose i would've done the same. we're both miyazaki fans.



here's my quick review: if you're not used to miyazaki's new-agey-ness... you might have a hard time swallowing the talking animals and weird spirit gods. once you get past that though, you really find yourself immersed in miyazaki's little world-- once that happens, miyazaki owns you. and the animation is beauuutiful. that's all i can say. the only negative criticism i have is that his pace is funky. after about an hour and a half, you wonder if this is going to be a 3 hour movie. instead, it seems like he crams the second half of the film into a 30-minute jam-session. i'll tell you though. it's a really good 30 minutes!

spirited away gets 4 robotic thumbs. it hits US theaters on sept 20. go watch it.

the interview went well. i think my chances of landing this job are pretty good. big thanks to those of you who prayed for me. i really really honestly, seriously, straight-up, for reals, genuinely feel blessed to have people praying for me. praying is something that's hard for me... it's part discipline problem, part exploitation of God's omniscience. it's something that i feel God's trying to change in me. my prayer ineptitude makes me appreciate your prayers all the more.

the job sounds like a good match with what i'm looking for. i'll learn alot. i'll gain a firm understanding of the music industry. i'll meet people who may be able to hook me up later on down the road. the only problem is that it pays very little. my pride is slowly adjusting to the idea of working for peanuts and free cds. i only wish my creditors were so open-minded.

after a week and a half of solitude, my roommate's back from his little trip to baltimore. he came up with the hyung he was staying with, the hyung's girlfriend and the girlfriend's friend. it was a bit uncomfortable for me to meet these people because their english is bad and my korean's worse. i'm also not 100% familiar with that whole korean etiquette: formally introducing yourself to people, accepting and receiving things with two hands, using the honoriffic forms of words and phrases, etc.

in other news, i got a haircut today (for my big interview tomorrow (tuesday)). after that i had lunch with pat and his roommate. we ate taiwanese food at excellent pork chop restaurant. we had some hong kong dessert and stopped by the barney's warehouse sale. i broke my oath to remain celibate from buying stuff. but i just couldn't pass up the additional 75% off of this shirt and pants. (i know... i'm a shopaholic... it's official). we then vegged at helen and sarah's. they needed me to hook up their dvd player and their cable box descrambler (i hope there aren't any cable company police nazis reading). then it was jja jjang myun dinner and meeting up with my roommate and FOB posse.

i pretty standard day in the life of roboto. a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

someone asked me today why i'm roboto. i'd written a long explanation on my very first post, but it got deleted (i got timed-out and had to re-sign-in). i didn't want to bother typing it out again, but since it's fresh on my mind and i have nothing else to talk about...

i've come to discover that i have no emotions. just like a robot. my mood fluctuates between bored, pensive and smiley. there's no anger, no depression, no sorrow, no regret. but there's also no bliss, no vigor, no passion, no love. it sucks because i sit at my desk sometimes, with my guitar on my lap, and nothing comes out. i try to write, but it's just my brain playing with some words... my heart's on hiatus. i'm beginning to wonder if i've repressed my emotions altogether. i've done it before:

in 9th grade, i had a crush on this girl... we'll call her Lorna (because that's her name). one of my friends at the time (he's no longer my friend... we had a falling-out... long story, maybe next time), would always tease me about her. i decided to ignore my "friend's" taunts and let her know my feelings (i guess i wasn't as robotic back then). i remember sitting at home writing a bunch of drafts where i'd wittily and charmingly-- and with good penmanship-- sway her in my direction. i remember keeping the note folded in my wallet, until the right opportunity came. i remember talking to her on the phone once (i don't remember of this was a common occurance or if this was an act of desparation) and boldly read her the letter. i know you're dying to hear the rest of the story... but you know what...? i don't remember it. seriously. it may have been too traumatic for me because i have absolutely no idea what happened after that. i just remember that i never spoke to lorna again. i saw her in the hallways... i saw her at the mall... but we never said hi... we never made meaningful eye-contact... nothing. [another funny thing worth mentioning is that my dad actually found one of the drafts of that love letter. he was interrogating me about it, so i had to fight back by getting mad at him for going through my trash to discover it... he claims he found it on the ground... i must've missed the garbage can... but regardless the fact that i was retaliating distracted him enough to forget about the letter... hahaha]

so maybe i was traumatized... or maybe it's been a gradual regression. maybe i have no emotions or maybe i just hide them well. either way. i am roboto.

baths are overrated. it just displaces the dirt that's on your body. there's a friends episode where chandler discovers the bliss of taking baths (as opposed to showers, not the act of washing oneself in general). i didn't find it relaxing, soothing, or anything remotely pleasurable. did i do something wrong?

i extended one of my computer speakers into the bathroom, so i'd have some tunes to sing. i filled the tub with warm water with some bath salts i saved from a hotel room. the water was warm to my hand but i discovered burning hot to the rest of my body, so it took me a good 5 minutes to get into the tub. the bath seeds which were supposed to "soften and fragrance" the water just turned the water green-- luckily it didn't turn my skin green. after washing my hair and body, i still didn't feel clean... i think i just redistributed my body's ddeh (korean word for bodily dirt). so i just took a shower.

what a waste of time that was.